Fic: Dating in the Workplace (PG-13, many pairings) ... Craaaaack.

[purple_bug]

Title: Dating in the Workplace
Rating: PG-13, for implied sex and wrongness.
Characters/Pairings: Ooh, boy. Doctors 1-7, various companions both TV and Big Finish. Pairings include Ian/Barbara, Ben/Polly, Two/Jamie, Brigadier/Benton, Four/Romana II, Tegan/Nyssa, Peri/Erimem, Five/Turlough, Ace/Hex, and a few others that I don't really want to go into here, for reasons which will become clear.
Beta: Many thanks to ponygirl72 for her fantastic assistance and for the use of a couple of sentences :o)
Summary: If anyone had asked the Doctor whether he begrudged his companions their interpersonal relationships, he would’ve denied it strenuously, with much hand-waving and/or babbling. Because it was true! For the most part.
Notes: My very first attempt at proper crackfic. I made my beta reach for the brain-bleach on two separate occasions, so I'm assured that I succeeded :o) It should be noted that this fic was thought up after spending far too long reading through the masterlists on who_otp :o)
Spoilers: Fairly minor for Utopia.
Warnings: Craaaaack. Potentially brain-breaking scenarios, have your bleach on standby.
Cross-posted to: who_otp, dwfiction, dw_slash, dw_femslash and loves_them_all. (Sorry for the spamming.)


oOoOoOo

“Doctor!”
“Terribly sorry, my dear Chatterton. Erm, I believe your dressing gown is hanging from that lamp shade, Barbara, if that’s what you’re searching for.”

“Doctor!”
“Whoops! Don't mind me! Good heavens, Polly... isn’t that a terribly uncomfortable position?”

“Ahem.”
“Doctor! We, uh...”
“That door is locked for a reason, Doctor. You and that bloody sonic scr-”
“The Major General has just arrived, Brigadier. Thought you might like to know.”
“...I see. Thank you.”

“Hell’s teeth!”
“Doctor!”
“Ah. I’ll just... Ahem. Sorry.”

“Doctor, for the love of -!”
“Would you go away!”
“Sorry, sorry!”

“Nyaagh!”
“Oh! Oh dear.”
“Ow!”
“Professor!”

oOoOoOo

If anyone had asked the Doctor whether he begrudged his companions their interpersonal relationships, he would’ve denied it strenuously, with much hand-waving and/or babbling. Because it was true! For the most part. He didn’t resent the fact that his companions sometimes needed a more ... intimate relationship, shall we say, than that which he was prepared to offer them. They often left him to pursue these, and he wished them well - really, he did. He had given K9 to Leela as a wedding present; he hadn’t made a fuss when Jo went off to the Amazon with that weird scientist bloke; he’d almost literally pushed his own granddaughter out of the TARDIS and into her new boyfriend’s arms because he wanted her to be happy. He missed them all, of course he did, for whatever reasons they left, but at least they were happy. At least they had a somewhat more stable future ahead of them. At least he wouldn’t have to encounter the same difficulties, awkwardnesses and inconveniences that he did with those who managed to carry on a relationship while still travelling with him.

oOoOoOo

“Doctor, about earlier. We’re very sorry if we -”
“Not at all, Chesterfield, not at all. You’re entitled to your, eh, yes... hmm?”

“I could swear I locked that door, Duchess.”
“...him and Jamie, it’s not like we’re the only ones who…”
“Look, Doctor, we didn’t mean for you to walk in on -”
“What? Oh, that! No, no problem at all! My fault, really. Should’ve left that door locked.”
“You...? See, didn’t I tell you I locked it?”

“Doctor, if I could just have a word...”
“No need for you or the Sergeant to worry, Brigadier. My lips are sealed.”
“Oh. Well... I appreciate it. But if there’s a next time... well, a bit of warning wouldn’t go amiss.”
“Understood.”
“And stop smirking. ...That’s an order.”

“- and you’d think you could knock first, or don’t they teach that on Gallifrey? Honestly, I really don’t -”
“Look, I said I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking! I’ll knock next time, I promise!”
“You say that every time! What are we supposed to do, hang a sign on the door handle? Draw up a timetable for you?”
“That would be a bit impractical, wouldn’t it?”
“I was being sarcastic, Nyssa.”
“I don’t see why you’re so embarrassed, it’s a perfectly normal and healthy expression of -”
“I just don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little privacy!”

“That’s the fourth time this month.”
“Yes, Peri, I know. My apologies. To you too, Erimem. I seem to be making a bad habit of this.”
“What, voyeurism?”
“No! I - Oh, what’s the use...”

“Look, I, er...”
“No need to worry, Hex, I’ve seen it all before.”
“What?”
“It’s one of the hazards of TARDIS-travel, it seems. I do try to avoid it where at all possible, but it’s just one of those things. Try hanging a sign on the door handle. Sorry if I embarrassed you. That was quite a tumble, I didn’t think the bed was that high. How’s your arm?”

oOoOoOo

Sometimes it was a quick kiss stolen in the console room. He would sense the atmosphere as he walked in, and see whichever couple it was this time holding hands and smiling, or occasionally standing apart and looking shifty.

Sometimes it got them in trouble on primitive alien planets or in Earth’s less-forgiving eras, either because the couple weren’t married or because both were girls. Funnily enough, he’d never had the same trouble with his male companions, but then he rarely had more than one male companion at a time. The one time that he had, neither had any interest in dating the other, which worked out quite well for everyone involved. And of course, one couple had never actually travelled with him, but they had a prejudiced society of their own to deal with, not to mention the possibility of courts-martial if they were found out.

Sometimes he felt rather left-out, because in-jokes are an inevitable product of any amicable relationship; romantic ones even more so. The girls, especially, would giggle away at some private amusement and stifle their laughter when he glanced over, or pretend not to know what he was talking about when he asked what the joke was.

And sometimes, for some reason far more frequently than other encounters, he would open a door too quickly, barge in without thinking, and then have to backpedal hurriedly, apologising all the way. Occasionally he was less bothered by it, depending on how flustered he was prone to becoming, which differed from body to body. On these occasions, he simply strolled through the room and retrieved whatever item he was looking for, offering a quick and cheery apology as his companions hastily covered themselves or yelled at him angrily, and left again.

Neither approach to walking in on his companions was preferable, it seemed. If he breezed through, they got angry at him. If he stammered his way out of the door, they got angry at him. It took him a while to realise that it was the interruption itself that made them angry rather than his attitude to it. Those that didn’t get angry at him just got embarrassed; usually the ones from eras where it was not the done thing to talk about it. He tried his best to reassure them that he hadn’t been embarrassed by it, which was usually their concern, but there was generally a lingering awkwardness for weeks afterward. The ones that became both angry and embarrassed at the intrusion just yelled at him, while the other half of the couple looked on in silent amusement at his hopeless protestations of innocence and apology.

He didn’t mind his companions deciding to get together... he just wished they could do it in less inconvenient ways. Although, he was aware he was being a little hypocritical.

oOoOoOo

“Oh. Um.”
“What is it?”
“He’s not here, Ben. Uh, neither’s Jamie... Nope, both not here. Let’s try the, er, the library.”

“What was that squeak?”
“Victoria. She ran away.”
“But we’re hardly daein’ anythin’!”
“She’s from a rather straight-laced time, remember.”
“I guess. Men on’y kiss lassies where she’s from, aye?”
“Well, in public, anyway.”

“Oh! Sorry. I was... um... hm.”
“Was there something that you wanted, Zoe?”
“Well…”
“She’s got that look in her eye, Doctor.”
“Yes, I see it, Jamie. What do you think?”
“...Och, alright, but on’y if she disnae hog the covers after.”

“Doctor, what are you doing?”
“Er, establishing a mental link, Adric. Time Lord to Time Lord telepathic contact.”
“What, naked?”
“It is unwise to remain here, master. The Doctor-master and the mistress appear to be engaging in -”
“Shut up, K9!”

“...”
“Gah!”
“Ow!”
“Sorry!”
“Hell’s teeth... Well, this explains a lot.”
“Okay, either you’ve now taught me a lesson about the perils of not knocking, or you forgot your own advice, I don’t much care - Turlough, stop that a moment - but I’d appreciate it if you’d give us a little privacy.”
“...You got it, Doc.”
“What’s she smirking for? And what the hell was that about?”
“Just the pot calling the kettle black, or something along those lines. You can carry on now, by the way.”

oOoOoOo

Okay, so maybe more than a little hypocritical. But the point was, intimate interpersonal relationships caused problems. Which was why he had only indulged with his companions on a few occasions. Well, on a lot of occasions, but only with a few of them. And only ever the ones who sought him out first. He never made the first move; he never wanted to run the risk of misinterpreting signals and driving away a good friend. Signals varied from species to species and even from culture to culture within a species, so it was too risky to assume he was reading them correctly. Most of the companions who entertained feelings for him, however brave they were against bug eyed monsters, lacked the nerve to ever tell him, so many centuries were spent in celibacy. Not that he minded overly much, most of the time. Time Lords weren’t hardwired for sexual contact the way humans were, so it was not something he craved, but when the opportunity arose, it was an immensely pleasurable past-time and a way of bonding even further with a much-loved friend. Sometimes two.

The two exceptions to this were Turlough and Romana. Turlough had merely wanted something and gone after it, the way he did with most things. It just happened to be something that they both really enjoyed. Romana, being a Time Lord herself, connected with him on a different level than any of his other companions could. It had begun as friendship and developed into intellectual intercourse with sharing of thoughts and memories, and that had been when she’d found out about his sexual encounters with humans. She’d shown a higher degree of interest in the memories than he’d expected her to, especially the ones which included Zoe. At her request, he’d been only too delighted to demonstrate, and the added high of linking minds throughout created more than a few memorably enjoyable experiences.

However, whenever he’d been interrupted in the middle of something, he’d always managed not to make a big fuss about it. This was something most of his companions seemed unable to do, hence why he had tried to put an end to the pattern. After Tegan’s wrath and Peri’s accusations, he had made up his mind to only travel with one person at a time. After Erimem left, he avoided taking on a second companion for a long while. He did quite well, too, for a time. Peri was okay once she’d got used to the new him, Frobisher joined him for a few rather strange adventures, Evelyn turned out to be very good company indeed, and Mel had a certain bubbly, enthuasistic charm about her. He had taken Ace under his wing and helped her grow out of that spiky adolescent stage and into a confident young woman, and when she had persuaded him to let Hex join them, he had initially thought they might have a similar type of relationship. A sort of mentor-student thing. But no, they had to go and start flirting, and then there was that unfortunate series of events in Ireland and everything spiralled from there.

It seemed inevitable that his life, if he chose to share it with others, would carry on being fraught with various people being caught in flagrante delicto. Even when travelling with only one person, he was not exempt from the hazards of unlocked doors, thanks to someone who, for whatever reason, had decided to muck about with the Time Vortex and create a fixed point.

oOoOoOo

“Not you again!”
“’Fraid so.”
“Why the kitchen? You have a bedroom, Bernice, is there something wrong with it?”
“But the alcohol’s through here.”
“Exactly. More brandy?”
“Don’t mind if I do!”
“Typical...”

“Ahem.”
“Hmm...? W- Good grief!”
“Mornin’.”
“I take it this is going to be a regular occurrence, then?”
“Doctor, wh- ... Oh my goodness...”
“Sarah! I -”
“Take it easy, sailor, the blanket’s covering everything.”

“Oh, Rassilon’s beard... You!”
“Me.”
“Wipe that smug smirk off your face this instant. I’m getting sick to the back teeth of this. ...Where did you find him?”
“He, um, knocked on the TARDIS door. Said he knew you.”
“And you invited him in for chocolate cake, I see?”
“What, a guy can’t have a little chocolate cake?”
“...Usually, Captain, you’re supposed to eat it with a fork.”

“I, er, wouldn’t go in there at the moment, Doctor.”
“Whyever not, Benton?”
“There’s, um... Well, an American chap arrived, looking for you... Said his name was Harkness. He started talking to Miss Shaw, and... well... I thought it best to shut the door.”
“Oh for pity’s sake!”

“I do not understand your concern, Doctor. He is a friend of yours, is he not?”
“Sort of, probably. He will be, I think.”
“And is it not a good thing that your friends get along?”
“Not necessarily...”
“The men and women of his tribe are free to mate with who they choose. Why is it not the same for your friends? Why do you create the rules?”
“Because it’s my TARDIS! He has no right to swan in and -”
“Hey, don’t look at me! For once, I didn’t make the first move!”

“Ah. Doctor. I, um... Heh. Should’ve locked that, huh?”
“Oh, don’t worry, he’ll get used to it.”
“And what do you mean by that, hmm? How did you get into my TARDIS?”
“Your friend Steven here was kind enough to invite me in. Love the decor, by the way. Very minimalist.”
“And who exactly are you?”
“Oh, that’s right, you haven’t met me yet! Captain Jack Harkness, at your service. Ah... I’ll find my pants, shall I?”

“D’you expect we’ll see him again soon?”
“I sincerely hope not to.”
“That’s a bit harsh, Doc. He’s a charmin’ sorta guy. Don’t get them very often these days.”
“Well, I’ll give you ‘charming’. He certainly seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to seducing my companions.”
“I didn’t think I was the first. He’s obviously had experience with non-humanoids - and plenty of it. He’s lucky I’m so flexible. In more ways than he is, of course.”
“...Now that, I did not need to know.”
“Sorry. It’s just so rare to find a humanoid who actually likes flippers.”

oOoOoOo

Comments

[netgirl-y2k.livejournal.com]

I think you broke my brain.

In the good way of course.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

That was the plan :o) Glad you liked it.

[rainshaded]

*laughs quite a lot* I opened up my friends list and found this. That was just what I needed.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Glad I could provide :o) I've been itching to get it posted for ages, so I'm very happy it's making people laugh :oD

[liquorishflame.livejournal.com]

This is completly giggle worthy and left a great big smile on my face, like so :D
I love how you said so much without saying it for example (an my favorite line):
“Er, establishing a mental link, Adric. Time Lord to Time Lord telepathic contact.”
“What, naked?”
*thumbs up* Go you!

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Ah, poor naive wee Adric. I'm rather fond of him, so I loved writing that scene. I wrote it at work, so my supervisor was giving me very weird looks by the fifth time that I'd re-read it and dissolved into giggles again. I've never laughed so much at my own stuff. It helped that I was a bit spaced on sleep-deprivation and Relentless when I wrote it :o)
It was a careful balance of not saying too much and yet saying enough that everything makes sense (to a certain degree) *grins*
Nice demonstration of a great big smile :oD Thanks!

[paranoidangel]

That was funny, I really enjoyed it

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :o)

[chicafrom3.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! My brain's more than a bit broken now, yeah, but brilliant!

*laughs, bookmarks*

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

That was the plan... mwahaha! Brain-breakage all round! Yay, bookmarking! :oD Thanks!

[tgjerusalem.livejournal.com]

Flippers?

Who had flippers?

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Frobisher (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frobisher_%28Doctor_Who%29) had flippers :o)

[neadods.livejournal.com]

I think that last one broke my brain. They're all hilarious - Sarah Jane and Leela particularly - but Jack/Frobisher is just... just...

Which isn't stopping me from reccing it right now. You have posted a link on loves_them_all, haven't you?

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Hurrah for the brain-breakage! Wait, Sarah-Jane? *scrolls up* Oh yeah, she was in it for a brief moment. Poor Harry :o)
Jack/Frobisher was my favourite idea to have. It's just so perfect! You think your brain is broken - I'm the one who came up with this stuff! :oD
Thanks for the rec, and I have just posted a link over there, thanks :o)

[valentinite.livejournal.com]

What, a guy can’t have a little chocolate cake?”

“...Usually, Captain, you’re supposed to eat it with a fork.”

Ahahahaha. I love how it only takes a line or two to make such vivid mental images. Even for audio companions. And you've got the voices of them all down pat.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

You're getting vivid mental images of that? Even I don't have images of that! And I don't particularly want to! :oD
I'm glad I got all the voices right - since the bits with actual people in them are all dialogue, I had to concentrate on voices without any gestures, expressions or moustache quirks to elaborate on who was speaking :o) So I'm very happy that I succeeded.

[andraste]

*dies from laughing*

This is sheer genius. Especially the last section. I think Captain Jack/Frobisher may be the best pairing in anything, ever.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*beams* Jack/Frobisher is pretty awesome, yes. It's got so much potential! Frobisher can be anything, and Jack... well. It's easy to see why the pairing is so cracktastic :o)

[notfromvenus.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I love it!

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thanks! :o)

[eruvadhril.livejournal.com]

Brilliant!

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :oD

[themolesmother.livejournal.com]

*Takes a deep breath and wipes eyes*

Wonderful!!! My mind is now full of the most disturbing images.

I've friended you. Hope that's OK.

MM

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*grins* Sounds like you laughed quite a bit, from the wiping of eyes :o) That makes me very happy. And the images are the whole point :oD

Of course it's okay, I love having new friends :o) Have friended you back.

[some-stars.livejournal.com]

omg, this is a DELIGHT. :D :D :D

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you like it :oD Does it go on your rec list, perhaps? *hint hint* :oD

[lithrael]

Oh, Frobisher! :D And of course I do love any mention of Jamie, yay!

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Yup, Jamie is so fab that he gets three whole scenes about him and the Doctor :oD And, of course, Frobisher rocks. I've been listening to The Maltese Penguin a lot since writing this, and I never fail to start giggling every time he mentions his flippers *grins*

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can't tell you how much I needed this today - such a good laugh, inspired dialogue and quite, quite mad :D

*helpless giggling*

Brilliant.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Glad I could be of service. Crackfic is the cure-all of fandom, I'm certain of this :o)

inspired dialogue and quite, quite mad - ah, well, you can blame that on the energy drinks and the lack of sleep :o) That weekend was such fun - I spent most of both days giggling to myself, either randomly or because of the fic, causing my supervisor to give me strange looks :oD

Very glad you enjoyed it :o)

[kickair8p.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, really enjoyed this, despite spending about a third of it really confused. Which brings me to the other hand -- I need a scorecard. Or a program. Help?





~

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Heh, I knew there'd be somebody eventually :o) Don't worry, I can see how you might get confused. Here's a break-down.

First set of dialogue snippets: 1) Ian/Barbara walked in on by One, 2) Ben/Polly by Two, 3) Brig/Benton by Three, 4) Tegan/Nyssa by Five, 5) Peri/Erimem by Five and 6) Ace/Hex by Seven.

Second set: Same pairings in the same order approaching the Doctor some time after the incident and either apologising embarrassedly, ensuring his discretion or yelling at him about it :o)

Third set: Role reversal.
1) Polly and Ben walk in on Two/Jamie (Ben is unaware, Polly has trouble looking away *grins*).
2) Two/Jamie walked in on by Victoria, who's suitably shocked and runs away.
3) Two/Jamie walked in on by an inquisitive and naughty-minded Zoe, whom they invite to join in.
4) Four/Romana II walked in on by Adric (accompanied by K9), who seems kinda naive about the whole situation.
5) Tegan walks in on Five/Turlough (Turlough is undeterred, while Five tries to shoo her away asap).

Fourth set: Jack :oD
1) Seven walks in on Jack/Bernice in the kitchen, probably not doing much but there's alcohol and most likely various states of undressedness :o)
2) Four is unsurprised by morning-after!Jack/Harry - Sarah's not quite so unruffled, and Harry's very embarrassed and very nekkid, but it's alright cos there's blankets.
3) Six walks in on Jack/Evelyn doing... something with chocolate cake - you don't want to know what, and neither do I :oD
4) Jack/Liz behind closed doors in the lab, Benton stands outside and advises Three not to go in :o)
5) Leela defends her right to sleep with Jack against Four's huffy protestations.
6) One walks in on Jack/Steven, and meets Jack for the very first time.
7) Six and Frobisher discuss Jack after he's gone - Frobisher is unaware of the meaning of the term 'TMI' :oD

There, I think that's pretty comprehensive! :o) It all makes sense now? Of course, I'm assuming in my explanations that you are familiar with people like Erimem, Hex, Frobisher, Evelyn, Bernice, etc. They're audio companions (for the most part - they've all been in audios, anyway, despite a couple of them originating on paper), if you didn't know. A couple of clues to one or two of the funny bits: Evelyn is very fond of chocolate and actually persuaded Six to let her travel with him with promises of chocolate cake, and Frobisher is a shape-changer who prefers to take the form of a four-foot penguin :o)

I'm hoping you find it funnier now that you know what's going on and who's sleeping with whom? :o) And thanks for taking the time to ask, it makes me happy that you didn't just give up on it :o)
(Oh, and I love your icon! *grins*)

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

This is insane, but in a wonderfully good way.

I loved it, and am putting it in memories.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Yay, memories! And insanity - yes, I'm familiar with that :oD Thanks!

[wheresmycow.livejournal.com]

Oh my God! Oh my God! /Hex

*giggles*

*saves to memories*

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*giggles at Hex impression* Yay, more memories! Glad you liked it :o)

[starxd-sparrow.livejournal.com]

Brilliant and hilarious. I think I might be having some sort of awesomely backwards braingasm right now thanks to that ;)

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thanks! Braingasms are indeed awesome. Imagine how it was for me coming up with it! :oD

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :oD

[bluekiwibubble.livejournal.com]

*grins like a maniac*

That is brilliant.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

I thought you might like it, given all the Big Finish people :o) Thanks! :oD

[meddow.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is just brilliant!

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you!

Icon love!

[finmagik.livejournal.com]

Man, I first found this fanfic on A Teaspoon and an open mind and I really love it. Very funny.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :o)

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO! How did I miss this fic when it was initially posted? The last bit, by virtue of sheer crackiness, may be my favorite, but it's all great.

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

It probably got lost among all the Ten/Master fics - there were a hell of a lot :o) Although I did get the Editor's Choice on who_daily, so that helped :oD
Thanks very much, glad you enjoyed it! :o)

[glitterfairy25.livejournal.com]

HOW HAVE I NOT COMMENTED ON THIS???


I LOVE IT.

Specially Five/Turlough :) *squee*

*ahem*
I love the way that things are never revealed totally, we just have to go on exactly what we hear :)

That sneaky Captain Jack Harkness. I'm willing to bet he's had a lot of the TARDIS crew ;P

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

Hee :o) I'll bet he has.